An Eevee with the name Samantha on her collar was knocked out, but was slowly waking up. "Where am I?" She thought. "Someone's talking to me. Better wake up..."

"Finally, you're awake! I'm Kyle the Meowth! Who're you?" "I'm not a Pokemon, but I can understand you. Very weird." Samantha said. "Well, I sure don't know what you call an Eevee, but I call 'em Pokemon" Kyle said in a New York accent. "Eevee? Hold on. *goes in her strap bag and pulls out mirror. Kyle: Girls...* AAAH! Wha- Bu- How-Aah!" "Um, are you gonna finish the wha- bu- how-'s any time soon?" "No time for playing, Kyle!" "Who said I was playin'? OWW!" Kyle got hit with Samantha's paw.

"Anyway, we need to find out why I-" Samantha was stopped mid-sentence by a Flygon. "Help! Excuse me! Can you help me?" "hey, I remeber you! Alison! What's up, Ali?" Kyle asked. "Hi, Kyle. My daughter, Tiana, fell down a fissure. I tried to fly down to get her, but a Garchomp hit me with astonishing and devistating moves. My wing's still injured."

"Shouldn't your other daughter, Velma, been watching her?" "Well, she should've, but I'll talk to her later. Please help Tiana!" "Whaddya say, Samantha? SHould we help?" "Mmm... *stops daydreaming about ice cream* He, he. Sorry. " Sure!"
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So?

Well... So it's based off Mystery Dungeon, right? Koolz!

1.) You need to start a new paragraph every time the person talking changes. Because you didn't do this, it was extremely hard for me to follow.

2.) It... could be more detailed and a lot longer.

3.) You're not supposed to use words in *'s in writing... Instead you should say something like:
"Eevee?!" she shouted alarmingly. "Hold on." She pulled out her bag and pulled out a little mirror.

4.) You need to stay in one tense and not switch from present to past.