i will make a new thread for the fan fic when i am ready.
Delete this if you may

Er... how old are you? That might affect my judging. Is it supposed to be like the wizard of oz? That was... very n00by. There really weren't many good points about it at all... I'd only read the rest of that story if I were paid to do so. (then I'd gladly do it).
If you think you have hope in writing, keep working on it. >>

dude, i have a zillion chapters,
my age isn't any of your buisness,
i don't need the advice, because i've gotten plenty of it,
and it isn't like the wizard of OZ.

I just took that quote cause i thought it was funny.

Chapter1
Tuuuuuuuuuuuuurn Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!
Mudkip realized that it was 12:00 on the clock tower in the distance; he was wide awake from sleeping all day and night. He walked away from the statue, for it was giving him the creeps. He eventually came across a sign that said, welcome to veilstone city. He wasn’t able to make out any of the letters so he headed towards the bustling place. He didn’t know how he was so far away from his home, yet he didn’t move himself from his nice little rock at petalburg pond to this dump. He started seeing the city lights, and stopped in his tracks. If the people were to find him, who knows what would happen. He turned to the left path. He was relieved to see the city lights disappear, and the thick trees tower over the horizon. Walking for a long time made him sleepy all over again. He found a nice log to stay in for the rest of the night and once again dozed off in dreams, which weren’t bad dreams like the ones before.

...This seriously needs some work. First of all, your chapters are composed of one paragraph. That is way too short. Lengthen them. More should happen than a Mudkip sleeping through a dream, then waking up and running into a statue.

Use your shift key. Beginnings of sentences and the words "Mudkip" and "Hoenn" should all be capitalized (and spelled right). And it's "beginning" not "beggining". Don't use "snoozin'"; use "snoozing". Good writers don't write the same way they talk.

Don't just tell us it's 4:00 PM. Describe it. Is it dark outside? Light? Are Pokemon stirring in the morning light, or milling about busily underneath the afternoon sun?

Still? This is the beginning of the story; there's no reason to have "still" there.

There's no need for a comma between "gigantic" and "monster". Also, don't tell us the dream is scary; describe it and make it scary. I'm not scared at all right now. What's so scary about a giant with a long neck and red eyes staring at you? This dream should be much longer if it's going to seem significant at all.

This really doesn't make sense. The "flash" and "his dream died down" are very contradictory, and it seems really immature the way you use "FLASH!!!". Change it to "a white flash of light" or something. What are the side effects of the drowsiness? This is also a little weird since you haven't mentioned before that he's drowsy. Sleeping and being drowsy are two totally different things.

This is very random. Where did the statue come from? Don't just tell us he "sleep walked"; show us that he's falling off of his rock (he would if he started sleepwalking), then describe the area he's in. Why is there all of a sudden a giant statue there?

So he's suddenly awake? There's also no need for exclamation points here or in the previous sentence. And don't stutter in your writing unless it's the Mudkip's own words or thoughts, in which case it should be in quotes.

This is so random it's not funny. Don't just write something because it's funny; it needs to fit in with the story. Without quotes or any indication that the Mudkip is saying or thinking this, it seems like you're just commenting, and it's really immature. How in the world does this relate to your story? Just because he was sleepwalking and ran into a statue like the monster in his dream makes him believe he's no longer in Hoenn? How do we know he didn't dream of the statue because it's near where he lives, if he's able to sleepwalk to it, and he's seen it before?

What is this? It doesn't connect to anything right now.

Noon or midnight? And where is he? Why is there a clock tower there?

How long did it take him to get there? What did he see on the way there? Why is he suddenly motivated to wander? Why can he tell what the sign says and then not understand any of the letters?

This doesn't make sense. So the rock isn't his home? There's a lot of gaps to fill in.

What could happen? Has he heard bad things about people?

Don't just tell us he's been walking for a long time. Make something happen to keep us interested. He has to have been walking for a long time to get sleepy again so fast. Surely he saw something interesting.

Right now, this is boring. Very boring. There's no plot, hardly any description, and a lot of holes.

This story does need advice. Don't just throw all this out. Your story needs work; we're trying to help you.

didn't read it, and i don't care

i told you guys i don't want advice
i am not changing my chapters.
What's done is done :angry:

who said you need to read it anyways
i made those chapters 6 months ago, and they're permanent, until i say so.



Got it guys? No Criticizing
Big no no!
I don't need help from a bunch of people i don't know.

Quit it fool!

Chapter2
The Ghost, the Rain, and the Turtwig?
Mudkip woke up at 6:00 today, and was still a bit tired, although he didn’t really care. He only wanted to go home. He took a 5 minute nap and he woke up to see two enormous eyes on a small green head.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” (mudkip)
“What’s the matter; I don’t scare you too much do I?”
“H-h-h who are you?”(Mudkip)
“Well, my name is Turto Jr. the second, but you can just call me Turtwig if you want!”(Turtwig)
“Where am I anyway?” (Mudkip)
“This is called “happy forest”. The Pokemon that lived here long before me named it. Now this quiet place is just filled with dead flowers and big trees. Everyone left the forest besides me, or at least that’s what I think. It would be great if there was a way to bring the forest back to life, which is my goal here! If only we had rain to fill the ponds….......the only rain I have seen here is caused by Lugia, who hasn’t been seen for years.”(Turtwig)
Mudkip is now very puzzled…. “What happened to Lugia?”
“Legend states that Lugia was beaten by a ghost Pokemon. The only ghost Pokemon that has even beaten Darkrai……Alas, that Pokemon disappeared a little while after Lugia did! (Turtwig)
“Weird” (Mudkip)
“Legend also has it that a team of pokemon, from different lands joined forces and rescued the two Pokemon from Darkrai, who was having revenge on the two Pokemon.” (Turtwig)
“Could it be us?”(Mudkip)
“Nah, they were evolved forms, and there were four of them” (Turtwig)
“Speaking of joining forces, I have nowhere to go…..can I stay here for a while? (Mudkip)
“I am leaving here, to try to find where my folks went” (Turtwig)
“Then I will go with you!”(Mudkip)
“Splendid! I could use the help” (Turtwig)
This concludes another successful chapter, as Mudkip and Turtwig journey through the giant forest!

We're not saying bad things about your story. I apologize; I did seem a little harsh. But we're only trying to help you. Criticism is not a bad thing. It can be immensly helpful, if you actually take the time to read it and use it. If you don't want criticism, fine; we were only trying to help.

Listen: if you're not posting it for criticism, then what are you posting it for? Our entertainment? It's not very entertaining. <_< Either think through what you're saying here and learn to accept criticism or I'll close this, because I can see this getting out of hand very easily.

whatever. I was having a bad day yesterday.....

I'll fix my old chapters up, but deleted this topic for now, sincce i won't be fixing for a while.


EDIT:Yes, i read some of your advice shadow, and it seems to me that i kinda didn't decribe enough, that's all

He wasn't sleep walking,he was drowsy

He wasn't on his rock, he got teleported

the dream was a phase of the teleportation. the monster in his dream sent him somewhere unknown to the reader at this point.

Anyways, I'll be fixing it when i have time, so ignore the chapters. I'll admit i should've done better, but I'm gonna try again.

case dismissed, I'll fix the chapters

Yes plz follow the advice of those who aren't as lazy as me! *shot*
And yes description is your main point of fault, as well as grammar and length. ^^

ok, I'll keep that in mind

O_O [explosion]